Death's Anniversary

Yes, today there's a kind of anniversary that I celebrate. Two years ago, on this day, someone - or something - died, and I changed. It's difficult for me to explain exactly what happened, and what I did, but the result was that a very vital part of who I was died. The person that I used to be, and everything that made me that person, died on this day two years ago.

The next couple of months, I walked around on autopilot. On the outside I acted as if nothing had happened, but on the inside I was dead. Empty. Just a hollow body with nothing - not even a soul - inside. I celebrated x-mas with great acting skills, but felt absolutely nothing. No joy, no sadness, no pain. Nothing. Because the me that I thought I was, had died. She was gone. And I just knew that she would never come back.

And then, I woke up.

What I've come to realize these past years is that I was never really me. I spent just about my entire life being someone else. Different identities for different periods of my life, but never the real me. And I struggled. I struggled so much with myself, and with trying to grasp who I was, and I never really managed to find proper happiness. I tried removing those "false" identities I've had - the masks I've been hiding behind - but every time I did, a new one appeared to take its place.

The last identity I had was the one I thought was the real me. I really did. I gambled pretty much everything on her, and a tiny part of me did feel like there was something about her that was kind of right. And yet, I kept fighting myself, never really understanding. I even tried to kill myself one night, cause the depression and the anxiety and the frustration became too much, and it could've ended pretty bad right there and then. Luckily, I am pretty well protected, so it didn't. But that's when things started to change. Or, at least a tiny bit. Strangely enough, it was an older identity of mine that suddenly awoke inside me and brought me back to reality. Saved my life, she did.

But after so much struggle, I finally reached the end of that road, on this day two years ago, and made a choice. It was a heavy choice, and I'll never forget it, and for over two months after that I suffered pretty heavily under it. The identity I had there and then, she died. And because I killed her, and everything that made these identities take hold of my life, I could finally have the time I needed to awake properly.

I know, I use a lot of strange words to describe this all, and I'm sure you're all confused by what I really mean, but trust me when I say that it's the only way I can describe it for it to make sense inside my own mind. And it does. Makes sense, I mean. Because when I woke up, I found out who I really was.

No more false identities, no more uncertainty, and no more struggle. The real me had been asleep all these years, just waiting for the right time to come back to life, and when I did I found peace. Peace within myself - within my mind, and within my soul. And nothing can ever take that away.

So, yes, today's a celebration for me.

It's a celebration all about death. The anniversary of when my last false identity left me, and died. And it was that death that woke me up. She didn't bring much good to my life, that identity, but her death, at least, brought me myself. And for that, this day will always be an important day that I'll celebrate within my own heart.

So, happy anniversary! And rest in peace...