Day of Death

My 3rd anniversary.

3 years ago today, a part of me died. The mask that I was hiding behind, the person that had locked the real me up in a cage and forced me to be something I'm not - that person died. She was the main cause for my constant troubles, and how I always seemed to go from one identity to another, never truly finding peace within myself. But, she's now gone. What happened that day, 3 years ago, is something no one will ever truly know, cause it is just too intimate, too personal, for me to share it with anyone, but the results changed everything. I've already mentioned this, in last year's entry on the matter, though I feel like diving a bit deeper into it all.

So many masks, so many identities, all, in the end, conjured up by her as a way of controlling me. But now she's gone, and today I celebrate her death.

Who is she? I've talked about her a lot of times, and I keep giving different explanations of who she is, and where she came from. I suppose it's because I don't really know for certain how she came to be. She's in my stories, under the name Aswari Ah'neth - Aswa for short - and she only showed up about a year or so before she died. But I've come to understand that, in a way, she was always there. Hiding in the shadows, playing tricks and creating masks, and pulling my strings without my knowing.

I've mentioned how those different masks had different identities, and they are all a part of my stories - and in a way I suppose I can thank her for that. They came and went - hundreds of them - though there were a small handful of them that had their biggest impact on me, and that stuck around, thinking that they were the real me. In my stories, they are known as the Gatekeepers.

No one knew the first one, cause she left without ever telling anyone that she was there in the first place. It's only recently that I decided to hunt her down and recruit her, putting her into my stories. Her name is Gina, and although she can appear a bit boy-ish and rough at times, she's actually really nice. She's a hardcore gamer - Zelda being the number one favourite, of course - and she loves dogs more than anything. She's got a Border Collie named Pinto, and he follows her wherever she goes.

The second was the one everyone knew, and she went by many, many names - one name actually being Gina, as an honour to the one before her. Puz was one of her most used nicknames, though FireChild and NightCat were also well known names. But to me, she's Angel. Always has been, always will be. The stubborn, bossy, and impossible little feline thief with a horrible temper. She's better now, though. I think she grew up a bit, after she left me.

The third was the alien that few ever got to meet. The quirky, crazy, and extremely random iihp, whom kept getting into trouble. She loved to draw, and comics in particular was something she was fond of making. Still have a bunch of the ones she drew, during her overly creative periods. She was a lively one, though she had a lot of issues - one of them being her past. She struggled a lot, and eventually; she left.

There was a short period where there was nothing but emptiness, and then the fourth came along.

A mage of fire and ice, uncertain of herself, stumbling headfirst into the world - that was how I came to know Aria. She was a bit of a wreck, to be honest, as she had no confidence in herself and her self-esteem was so horribly low that it couldn't even be seen. She was fidgety and jumpy, and the world was a scary place that kept breaking her, and she just fell more and more apart as time went by. And yet I loved her very dearly, and I held on to her and tried to show her that she mattered. That she was worth something.

Maybe it was because I cared so much for her, that Aswa decided to appear. She came out of the blue one day, putting shackles on me and forcing Aria far back into our minds where she couldn't be seen, and stepping into the role as the 5th "me."

Aswa was a horrible mess. She was psychotic - seeing and hearing things that weren't there - and she kept hurting everyone around her, and pushing them away. She lied - oh, how many lies she told! - and used, and destroyed. On the outside she played the perfect role, like she planned, but on the inside she was a horried creature that only wanted to create misery. If people had seen the things going on in her head...

But she's gone.

She wanted me dead, erased from this world forever, but she failed. I suppose I was just too strong, because instead of erasing me, she erased herself. She died, and during those months after her death, I was finally free to wake up. My chains were gone, the masks were broken, and the cage had been opened. I was free.

And then I was awake


I've been going through a dungeon lately. Fighting my way through it, losing my way every now and then, and there have been times when I felt ready to give up, because it was just so hard. Then I realized what this dungeon was, and what kind of boss awaited me at the end. This is my fight against her. Against her masks and her strings, and everything she did in my name. It's time I faced it all, and put it all to rest.

Today marks the anniversary of her death, but my fight with her is not over. These next couple of months I'll be facing everything, and dealing with it as best I can. And when the new year comes, and I finish this fight - emerging victorious - I'll be able to celebrate my 30th birthday, and my 3rd awakening day.

Though I am dreading this fight, and have been dreading it for quite some time, I now realize that I have more weapons to use in this fight than I originally thought. I have friends and family, all backing me up whenever I need them, and now I also have an amazing girlfriend that I know will always do her best to help me in my fights, just like I will always do my best to help her as well. And within the world of Arcaiia, I have so many people ready to stand by my side and help me fight.

I'm not standing alone anymore.

The Gatekeepers stand by my side, turning the strings created by the mask into allies instead of enemies. I'm stronger, now, than ever before. Yes, I might fall, and yes, I might break, but that won't be enough to defeat me. I know it'll be tough, but I'll make it. Nothing can ever make me give up.

Today I celebrate the Day of Death, and the beginning of the end of my nightmares.